Officer Dave “By-The-Book” Barlow parked beside On the Rob, straightened his tie and polished the little silver pig tie clip pinned to it.
He had come to the edge of Lucky Now to install a portable speed-display sign.
The complaints were simple: vehicles were entering the gas station parking lot too quickly. The solution was equally simple. The sign would display their speed, drivers would slow down and Officer Dave could enjoy one peaceful morning of reasonable public behaviour.
Then Nugs arrived.
He walked past the sign carrying a coffee from Joe’s.
The display flashed:
5 km/h
Nugs stopped.
He walked past it again.
5 km/h
He tried once more, this time pumping his arms dramatically.
6 km/h
Within twenty minutes, a folding table appeared beside the sign.
LUCKY NOW HUMAN SPEED TRIALS
Nugs created two divisions: the Sativa Sprint and the Indica Stroll.
Five dollars bought one timed attempt, an unofficial certificate and permission to stretch “at your own emotional risk.”
“That sign is for vehicle safety,” Officer Dave said.
“And yet pedestrians are finally respecting the speed limit,” Nugs replied.
Officer Dave pointed toward the road. “Nobody goes into the roadway.”
“Agreed,” said Nugs. “Our athletes require a professional parking-lot environment.”
He marked a short lane with traffic cones and borrowed Officer Dave’s pen to complete the registration forms.
The first contestant registered four kilometres per hour.
The second reached five.
One man achieved six after removing his jacket, emptying his pockets and announcing that he had eaten a light breakfast.
Nugs stood beside the sign like a professional sports announcer.
“He’s approaching the cone! Excellent foot placement! Both shoes remain tied!”
The Mayor arrived carrying coffee and asked why several residents were speed-walking around a gas station.
“Municipal athletics,” Nugs explained.
The Mayor agreed to participate after confirming that running was unnecessary.
He walked through the course with deliberate dignity, careful not to spill his coffee.
The display flashed:
3 km/h
Nugs immediately presented him with a certificate:
FASTEST SERVING MAYOR CURRENTLY HOLDING A HOT BEVERAGE
“Three kilometres per hour seems rather slow,” the Mayor said.
“Not while carrying municipal coffee.”
The owners of Wing Dings arrived with a covered tray. They entered as a relay team, although neither could explain why a walking competition needed a relay.
One owner concentrated on speed. The other concentrated on keeping the wings level.
They finished at seven kilometres per hour with the same number of wings but considerably less sauce in the container.
“We lost half the sauce,” said one owner.
“That’s aerodynamic improvement,” said the other.
Nugs then introduced the Indica Endurance Division.
The goal was to complete the course as slowly as possible without stopping.
The first contestant took eleven minutes.
The second stopped halfway through, noticed On the Rob sold potato chips and wandered inside.
Nugs declared him the winner because he had “completely transcended the finish line.”
Officer Dave finally examined the certificates Nugs had been selling.
Each one read:
VERIFIED MUNICIPAL SPEED RECORD
At the bottom was Nugs’ signature—written with Officer Dave’s pen.
“You cannot issue official speed certificates,” Officer Dave said.
“Then it was careless of you to leave me near a pen.”
Before Officer Dave could close the event, Millie appeared.
The female chocolate Lab spotted the Wing Dings tray and charged happily through the course.
The display flashed:
22 km/h
Everyone cheered.
Nugs immediately wrote MILLIE—NEW RECORD on the last certificate.
Officer Dave retrieved his pen, unplugged the registration table and declared the competition over.
“Millie was chasing a sandwich,” he said.
“Motivation is part of every great athlete’s story,” Nugs replied.
Millie received the championship certificate, one chicken wing without sauce and a drink of water.
Nugs received nothing.
He considered charging five dollars to view Millie’s official record, but Officer Dave was still standing there.
Wearing his tie.
With his silver pig tie clip.
And holding the only pen.
